Look at that big-headed O.J. Simpson. This guy made my life a living hell from 1994-1995 with the highly publicized murder trial from hell.
The only reason that I even bring it up again now is that the Juice was recently found guilty of all charges in a Las Vegas robbery and kidnapping case that will have him up in the hoosegow for anywhere between two years to life, which will be determined at the sentencing on December 5. This deliberation came 13 years to the day after he was acquitted of killing his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson, and her special man friend, Ronald Goldman. The heat's been on O.J. since then, and certain parties are overjoyed at this conviction, which brings us around to the full magnitude of the suckiness which is the O.J. Simpson murder trial.
One reason why this whole thing bothered me back then was because I didn't know who O.J. was, and I didn't care. I am not a sports fan, so I, to this day, don't get it. Second, I didn't know the guy, nor his ex-wife or her lover, nor Kato Kaelin, for that matter. So why this case was so mindbogglingly popular was beyond me.
People were transfixed on this gross spectacle from minute one. One thing that I will admit was kind of cool was the car chase that preceded this whole debacle. It was definitely like watching a Terminator movie, aerial view, like in a video game. Check it out, young 'uns:
I mean, there was something genuinely dramatic about the guy running, threatening suicide and pleading that he loved the lady he was married to. That I get. But this trial. Oy vey.
Everyday, I'd come home from school, and my family would harangue me with the latest story on this thing, like it was "Days of Our Lives." Here's your cast of characters, for the uninitiated:
JUDGE LANCE ITO
Whenever I could bring myself to watch this trainwreck, I thought he was actually kind of boring, though I suspect that alot of us now believe that he bears some resemblance to "Team America: World Police" character Kim Jong Il:
"DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MY F$%^KIN' SELF!?!"
PROSECUTOR MARCIA CLARK
To most of us, Marcia Clark was remarkable for her extremely insecure self-image, leading her to change her look for the cameras say, every other day. I found several photos of her looks, some during the trial and some post-trial:
I have to say that ol' girl nailed the suave brunette look (today known as "The Palin") after a while, but went the insecure route yet again and nailed us with peroxide blonde. Stop the insanity!
DEFENSE ATTORNEY JOHNNIE COCHRAN
"If the glove does not fit, you must acquit." I had to give Johnnie that one. Johnnie to me was the only person that actually deserved to be watched out of this whole mess. He was wicked smart, handy with the clever wordplay and led an incredibly flamboyant defense team made up of guys like F. Lee Bailey, Robert Kardashian (yes, Kim's dad), and Alan Dershowitz. No wonder the Juice won. Marcia didn't stand a chance. Johnnie checked out and shuffled off this mortal coil in 2005. R.I.P. dude.
WITNESS KATO KAELIN
Then this guy. I was going to talk about the witness Mark Fuhrman, the LAPD detective, but anyone who knows me knows how I feel about cops, and this, to paraphrase Bob Ross, is a happy little blog. Instead I'll skip right to the inanity, which actually made my butt itch much worse than Fuhrman ever did.
My Mom and my brother insisted I listen to what they learned about Kato when I would come home from school. In my mind, I'm thinking Green Hornet, right... but was I ever wrong. He was the seemingly "special" houseguest of O.J. Simpson who not only overstayed his welcome, but was completely useless as to solving the murder case, as witnessed by some classic testimony:
Ugh.
So back then (hell, even now) it was that if you were black, you were for rooting for O.J.'s acquittal, and if you were white, you were dreaming of O.J. getting put under the jail. I didn't know what happened if you were Asian or Latino. Me, I just wanted it to stop, I didn't care how. They stopped everything at my all-girls Catholic high school (a place where the outside world is not always very important) to put the TV on and let us watch this verdict. As a 15 or 16-year old, I was actually dumbfounded by this. Seeing the space shuttle Challenger explode? Sure. O.J.? I don't think so. All of this was really taking away from coverage of my love interest of that moment, Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder, anyway.
O.J. skated by back then, but he's up in it now. Does anyone really care? Journalist Dominick Dunne cared enough to attend O.J.'s robbery trial despite a serious health issue, and got sick enough in the courtroom to have to be carted away to a hospital. This is just silly, methinks.
Thanks but no thanks, O.J. The 90's wants you back. And take your little Kato with you too.
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